I figured it would be a good time to kick off our first contest so here it is. Up for grabs is a game used ball from Game 3 of the ALDS signed by me with inscriptions (shown below). All you have to do to win is guess my favorite quote from my favorite show, The Office. Easy enough, right? One guess per person. I really don’t have the patience to go through all of your IP addresses so let’s try and use the honor system on this one. Good luck!!!!
UPDATE 8:26 PM: Just read through all the entries. Hilarious, but nobody has guessed my favorite yet. If there is still not a winner by tomorrow I might open it up to everyone for another guess, and maybe a little hint as well.
The Phil Hughes Weblog 
Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me. I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.
This is from Season 1, Health Care episode.
You love it Phil!
Dwight:(Crying) Jim is g-gone!!! He’s gone, I miss him so MUCH!! OOH, I cry myself to sleep!!! JIIIM!! (Stops crying) False. I do not miss him.
well, it’s my favorite line anyway
Unfortunately …I never watched the Office …but….good luck to everyone else. That’s a terrific prize !!!!
Go Yankees 2008 !!!
Here’s my guess:
Dwight Schrute: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets… Christmas.
Found on http://imdb.com/title/tt0386676/quotes
my guess
“the eyes are like the crotch of the face.” ~dwight
Dwight Kurt Schrute
(How do you pick a winner? I hope it’s not first come, first serve, because that would disadvantage your fans overseas.)
Thanks for holding the contest.
Dwight: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
I only started watching the office recently, so I have no chance, but it’s worth a shot anyway:
Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let’s put it this way: no, I do not.
Dwight
i know you said dwight was your favorite character, but i figured i’d take a shot with this quote from pam:
“I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn’t like to gamble. Of course by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn’t smack her.”
Phil,
Hope this is it, and that I’ve just won myself a baseball:
Dwight: Hey Toby. You said that we could come to you if we had any questions…where’s the clitoris? On the website it said “at the crest of the labia.” What does that mean?
[Michael attempts to assemble a basketball team and Oscar, of Mexican descent, approaches]
Oscar: I can play, if you need any help.
Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we ever decide to box.
Michael Scott is the MAN! Here’s my vote:
When I retire, I don’t want to just move to some island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives it all back. I want it to be like, ‘Hey… who donated that hospital wing that’s saving so many lives?’ ‘I don’t know. It was anonymous.’ ‘Well, guess what. It was Michael Scott.’ ‘But how do you know? It was anonymous.’ [pause] ‘Because I’m him.’
Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me. I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.
BTW awesome contest
Dwight Schrute: (After he didn’t tip the sub man) Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Dwight Schrute: [indicating his purple belt] This is not a toy, this is a message to the entire office so that everyone can see I can physically dominate them.
“When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby. “
There are so many good lines to pick from, but I went with my favorite line. Its from Michael and directed to Toby:
“Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it..not that way. I hate..so much about the things that you choose to be.”
Hopefully, I’m right, that ball is wicked sweet.
Dwight Schrute: Number one: Inverted Penis.
The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Dwight: “Everyone loves beats”
Jim: [dressed like Dwight] Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That’s a ridiculous question…
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: That’s debatable, there are basically two schools of thought…
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight: Bears do not…what is going on?!? What are you doing?!?
Classic Dwight right here- his speech at the convention:
BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY! [pause] Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation – which everyone finds during the day – how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we’ve been at war – the war of work – but from the moment as a child, when we realize the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle [bangs fists again] a never-ending fight, I say to you [bangs again] and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight. WE ARE WARRIORS! [applause] Salesmen of north-eastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour. [even bigger applause as Dwight gives a horrible sounding laugh] No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They’ll conjure up images of used car dealers, and door to door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesman – and women – of the world… unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together… TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL. WE MUST NEVER CEDE CONTROL OF THE MOTHERLAND….
Andy: “They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really. Well then, explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.”
Dwight: I saw Wedding Crashers, accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour I figured I was in the wrong theatre but I kept waiting. That’s the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
Dwight Schrute: Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice: Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified
Dwight (Season 3, Episode 17): You know that line on top of the shrimp? That’s feces.
Bro’s before ho’s. Why? Because your bro’s are always there for you. They’ve got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho. And you told her that she was the only ho for you and that she was better than all the other ho’s in the world. And then…and then suddenly she’s not your ho no mo’. – Michael Scott
Jim Halpert: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.
Dwight Schrute: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas.
Shun off.
what do i want more – to be loved or feared? Thats easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me
Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
LOVE YOU HUGHESY
Oh, and my winning email address is: dale.cruse@gmail.com
Thanks Phil! I look forward to receiving the baseball in the mail! It’s lonely being a Yankee fan in Boston. I often feel like this guy: http://www.flickr.com/photos/djcruse/2186796905/
I’ll keep it short and sweet:
Anytime Michael Scott says “that’s what she said.”
Dwight: “When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.”
dalecruse,
someone already posted that. nice try though.
This is the first one that popped into my head: “I don’t like to be titillated” Angela
Meanwhile, great contest idea. The comments are all hilarious. My money is that jboogie has it right.
“I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a thursday night, what was I thinking!?”
ya, these lines are all hilarious…
I bet you like the pranks that Jim pulls on Dwighte and this is onw of my favorits i hope you like it as well
Jim: I don’t have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, BUT; before I left – I took a box of Dwight’s Stationary. So, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. Dwight: At 8 AM today, someone poisons the coffee. Do NOT drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.
(Cut to Dwight looking up from the fax, he sees Stan walk out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee. Dwight runs over and tackles him)
Dwight: You’ll thank me later.
Rats. Living in Europe is a double whammy – Night games start at 1 am here (and those are games on the East Coast!) making for very long days at work and I’ve never seen The Office…
Good luck to whoever wins! Even better luck to the Yankees this year!
Dwight Shrute: Dammit, he put my stapler in Jell-O again!
Mr. Brown: At Diversity Today, we believe it’s very easy to be a hero. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness.
Dwight Schrute: Ah, excuse me? I’m sorry, but that’s not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Great, well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight Schrute: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Uh, you’re thinking of a superhero.
Dwight Schrute: We all have a hero in our heart.
Pam: [during a role-playing exercise] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe..not be a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: [role playing as an Asian] Aw, man! I’m a woman?
Michael Scott on episode: Gay Witch Hunt – “That’s what she said … or he said.”
Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words – hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.
Michael Scott: Wow, what are all those stains?
Dwight Schrute: Blood, urine or semen.
Michael Scott: Oh, God. I hope it’s urine.
Dwight Schrute: (referring to Jerome Bettis) Why do they call him “The Bus”?
Michael Scott: Because he’s afriad to fly.
Michael Scott: Please stop popping my cast. Thank you.
Jim Halpert: So where are you shipping your foot?
Michael Scott: Ha ha ha, so where are you shipping…
Dwight Schrute: Your foot.
Michael Scott: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight Schrute: Danger.
Michael Scott: It’s something with a “K”…
Jim Halpert: It’s Kurt… wow, it’s so sad that I know that.
Dwight Schrute: Chu chu chu chu.
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Vietnam sounds.
Hey Phil
Wow, what a terrific idea.
Try this one on for size:
Dwight Schrute: A hero kills people. People that wish him harm. A hero is part human, part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma or out of a disaster and must be avenged.
Dwight Schrute: Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of “Oklahoma!” in the 7th grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that. I was good.
Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
Dwight Schrute: I’m a Sith lord!!
Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that’s a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right ’cause that’s a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they’re fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.
Dwight Schrute: [running into work after discovering it really was a Friday] I’m here! It’s okay!
Dwight Schrute: The Japanese camp guards of World War Two always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
Michael Scott: “I… DECLARE… BANKRUPTCY!”
Dwight Schrute: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Michael: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot a deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
I gotta say, this blog keeps me entertained during my breaks while I’m subbing. Keep updating, Phil.
Dwight Schrute: [Talking quietly to Angela with Ryan nearby, trying badly to hide their affair] What about that meeting later to… discuss finances?
Angela: Yes… but don’t expect any cookie.
Dwight Schrute: [Slowly] But what if I’m hungry?
Angela: No cookie.
Ryan Howard: [Knowing what they were really talking about, stares into the camera at a total loss for words]
Dwight Schrute: Okay, first, let’s go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none: you’re picking a healthcare plan.
Dwight Schrute: Please knock, this is an office.
Jim Halpert: It
[pointing to sign]
Jim Halpert: says “work space”.
Dwight Schrute: Same thing.
Jim Halpert: If it’s the same thing, then why’d you write “work space”?
Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam Beesley: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.
Dwight Schrute: Number one: Inverted Penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Cause if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight Schrute: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Dwight- “I am faster than 80% of all snakes”
Dwight Schrute: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael’s book is.. “Something Weird Is Going On…colon…What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story…by Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute.”
Dwight Schrute: Studies show that more information is passed through watercooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because
[picks up water bottle]
Dwight Schrute: I bring my own water to work.
Actually, I’m going to change mine to
Dwight: So you’re PMSing pretty bad huh?
Dwight Schrute: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me… for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Dwight Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a sixty-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to locals stores and restaurants… it’s a pretty nice little farm. [pause] Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
Dwight Schrute: [Diversity Day exercise; Dwight has a card on his head that says “Asian”] … lots of cultures eat rice, that doesn’t help me.
“Dwight can I see the monkey sex video? I’m gonna forward it like its hot”
Hope someone didn’t already post this….
Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Dwight Schrute: He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious smoky rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
Dwight Schrute
“Merideth, mens room. Be sure to replace the urinal cakes, they’re getting worn down.”
Keeping my fingers crossed, Phil.
Dwight:
Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Dwight Schrute: So you got the fax. So why didn’t you add it to the resume? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I’m dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell and I will see you there. Burning. Fine. Oh, wait, so you’ll let me know when you’ve made a decision?
Jim Halpert: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah!
[scoffs]
Michael Scott: Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim Halpert: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
Dwight Schrute: What belt are they?
Dwight Schrute: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
Dwight: Once I’m officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
Dwight Schrute: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Dwight Schrute: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
Dwight Schrute: I come from a long line of fighters, my maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. He killed twenty men and then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp… My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life… different kind of fight.
Dwight Schrute: [thinking he’s steering the “Booze Cruise” boat] I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four, and I was great and I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
Dwight Schrute: When I was in the 6th grade I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word “failure”
Dwight: I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.
Oscar: No one else in this office is gay.
Dwight: What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!
Phyllis: I’m getting married to Bob Vance.
[b]Michael: That’s great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! [laughs] See? Everybody has a chance![/b]
Michael Scott: [choosing team names for the company’s beach day] Dwight, name your team.
Dwight Schrute: We will be GRYFFINDOR!
Michael Scott: Jim.
Jim Halpert: Fine. We’ll be Slytherin.
Dwight Schrute: You can’t be Slytherin, they’re the bad guys.
Jim Halpert: Fine. We’ll be Voldemort.
Dwight Schrute: NO!
Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years… which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique; it’s like slapping someone with silence.
Dwight Schrute: I was shunned from the age of 4 until my 6th birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
Dwight: I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.
Oscar: No one else in this office is gay.
Dwight: What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!
Phyllis: I’m getting married to Bob Vance.
Michael: That’s great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! [laughs] See? Everybody has a chance!
Dwight: I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim’s life with a can of pepper spray I had velcro’d under my desk. People say, “oh, it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace”. Well I say, “it’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose.”
Michael Scott: You may look around, and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
Dwight: The eyes are the groin of the head.
Dwight: [Dwight peeing in Michael’s PT Cruiser] I think I cut my penis on the lid!
Dwight: We have three rooms each with a different theme.
Pam: What are the themes?
Dwight: America, irrigation and night-time.
Oh god thats hard. Dwight has so many funny quotes. I’ll guess that it was in the fire one in season 2, he was on a roll in that one. I’ll say its when he goes “I hope the war goes on for ever and ryan gets drafted” “oh he’d just end up being a war hero any way.”
Dwight: I am faster than 80% of all snakes.
Dwight Schrute: You’re PMS’ing pretty bad huh?
Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.
Dwight Schrute: The eyes are the groin of the head.
Dwight: I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I’d be good at picking the person.
Dwight: Merideth, mens room. Be sure to replace the urinal cakes, they’re getting worn down
Dwight: I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.
Dwight: Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don’t believe everything that people on television tell you.
Dwight: I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is “Kurt”, not “Fart.”
Taking total shot in the dark here.
Michael Scott: Alright. Ready? Come on guys… early worm gets the worm.
Jim Halpert: Really? Another worm, like are they friends?
Dwight Schrute: It’s early bird gets the worm.
Dwight Schrute: We all have a hero in our heart.
Dwight: And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.
Dwight: It’s me! I’m a bobble head!
Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this wouldbe my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself infront of a train.
Michael: I did not go to business school. You know who else didn’t go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA so . . . so, it’s not the same thing at all.
hilarity and truth…
That’s what she said.
I’m sure this isn’t the contest-winning quote, but it always makes me laugh nonetheless….
Michael Scott: Toby is in Human Resources, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.
Here’s my guess:
Dwight: I don’t care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure….98.
Dwight Schrute: Did you get your tickets?
Jim Halpert: To what?
Dwight Schrute: The gun show. [kisses bicep]
saddly I dont watch the office that much but here is a guess
DWIGHT: ‘[about the tuxedo he’s wearing] It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it. So…family heirloom.”
hahaha….Dwight is funny.
All right, now, you’re the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Dwight: Question, is there firewood on the island?
Jim: I guess.
Dwight: Then I would bring an axe, no books.
Jim: It has to be a book Dwight.
Dwight: Fine. Physician’s Desk Reference…
Jim: Nice. Smart.
Dwight: …hollowed out. Inside: Waterproof matches, iodine tables, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. No – Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question, did my shoes come off in the plane crash?
Hope new episodes come out soon!
Mikey Scott: You may look around, and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
i have no shot… any other contest would be so boring to read all the entries eh?
My guess –
I love inside jokes. I’d like to be a part of one some day.
Is that a woman’s suit?
Michael: Happy Birthday Jesus… Sorry your party is so lame.
Pam: Sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like, what it means, instead of what it is.
Dwight Schrute: You mean … like a ham?
Pam: No. Not like a ham.
Dwight Schrute: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
Dwight Schrute: What’s this on my desk?
Jim Halpert: It’s a box.
Dwight Schrute: But who left it here…and to what purpose?
Dwight Schrute: It’s me. I’m the bobblehead!
Michael Scott – “A lot of the people here don’t get trophies very often, like Meridith or Kevin. I mean who’s gonna give Kevin an award, Dunkin’ Donuts? “
Michael Scott: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
“the eyes are the groin of the head”
-dwight schrute
That is one awesome ball…Congrats to who ever gets it!!
Here is my guess:
“When I was in the 6th grade I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word “failure”. “
Michael: Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I’m not superstitious, but… I’m… I am a little-stitious.
“Abraham Lincoln said ‘If you are a racist, I will attack you with the north'”
“Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family”
How about:
(Dwight) “Will Ryan become a loser, slacker like Jim or will he join the Dwight Army of Champions?”
Dwight Schrute: What does the female vagina look like?
Dwight: Okay, that is not an 8 foot sub.
Delivery boy: We don’t make an 8 foot sub. This is a 1 foot sub, sir.
Dwight: F. What’s the damage?
Its not fair! , i think we dont have that series in Peru!! but i can give you a quote from my favorite serie wich is Seinfeld
“Its not a lie if you belive in it!” from George C.
ps: My first post!!! hail from Peru!!!
am I afraid, yes…afraid of getting a boner.
Great idea on the ball Phil. Best of luck this season.
My guess…
Dwight: “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.”
Oscar: “Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things club is the gayest thing about me.”
Creed: I run a small fake ID company out of the back of my car with a printer I swiped from the sheriff’s office.
Michael Scott: Yeah I went hunting once. Shot a deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
Would I rather be loved or hated? Easy: both. I want them to love me so much that they’re scared of how much they love me.
I am not reading through a 100+ comments, so I don’t know if this was said or not. However here goes nothing
Dwight Schrute: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me… for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Hey Phil this has gotta win:
Michael to toby: I hate so much about the things you choose to be.
“Your pencils are creating a health hazard. I could fall and pierce an organ.”
-Dwight
Too many to look through to see if this was posted:
“I always knew the branch would shut down some day. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.” – Jim Halpert
Could this be it?
“No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs and get a distress call from the commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”
Michael: “You don’t know me, you’ve just seen my penis…”
Jim: Michael stands in front of the boat and says he’s king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.
Phil, you have to check out this web site dedicated to The Office. You could put it as one of your faves.
http://www.officetally.com/
what up phil, making me choose only 1 great quote from the office is impossible but its gotta be dwight.
“I am fast. To give you a reference point, I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.” if this quote was already listed then maybe a quote from andy bernard “I’m always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter…who builds stairs.” haha have a great season in the bronx
Here is my try:
Michael Scott: I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I’m going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
Thanks for the contest….the boys would love that!!
David
Angela: there were claw marks in the frozen peas.
Andy Bernard: [taping his nipples] I’m petrified of nipple chaffing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle… you have sensitive nipples, they chaff, so they become more sensitive, so they chaff more. So I take precautions.
My favorite Office moment was when Dwight captures the bat with the bag and Meredith’s head is in the bag and she’s screaming. I almost fell off the couch. It had to be the funniest minute in the whole series. Bat plus Meredith in the bag being dragged by Dwight.
Then when she extracts her head from the bag (clearly traumatized by the whole thing) Dwight says, “You’re welcome.”
Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Dwight: “Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. I am going to be your new boss. It is my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never!”
Angela: The DaVinci Code. I would bring The DaVinci Code. So I could burn The DaVinci Code.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah right, that would keep you warm for like 7 seconds.
Dwight explaining why he thinks the sex the cartoon animals were engaging in was consensual, “May I point out the sex appeared to be consensual, both animals were smiling.” “I grew up on a farm I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable goat on chicken, chicken on goat, couple of chickens doing a goat, a couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.”
Darryl: I taught Mike some uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversations, you know, stuff like, “fleece it out,” “goin’ Mach 5,” “dinkin’ flicka,” you know, things us Negroes say.
Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when i was applying to be a volunteer sheriffs deputy.
Urine Tester: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.
Urine Tester: Oh right. How are you?
Dwight: Oh im all better.
Michael Scott: Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza, poor people love pizza, white people love pizza, black people love pizza… do black people like pizza?
Talking about Schrute Bucks:
Dwight: “Don’t you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?”
Stanley: “No, in fact, I’ll give you a billion Stanley Nickles if you never talk to me again.”
Dwight: “What’s the ratio of Stanley Nickles to Schrute Bucks?”
Stanley: “The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.”
Where are the turtles!!??
-Andrew
http://scottproctorsarm.blogspot.com
Well, I know my favorite quote is Michael telling Dwight, “Hug it out, bitch.” Funny, it doesn’t go over as well when I say it at work. Could that be it?
Hey Phil-
Not sure if this was quote was guessed yet:
Michael: “You don’t know me, you’ve just seen my penis…”
Michael Scott: You don’t call retarded people retards. t’s bad taste. You call your friends retards when they’re acting retarded.
Yeah, I don’t watch the Office so I googled. lol.
Jim Halpert: Does that include “That’s what she said?”
Michael Scott: Mmm hmm yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow that is really hard, you really think you can go all day long. Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so…
Michael Scott: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
Michael Scott: Pam, I’m public speaking, so please stop public interrupting me.
Andy Bernard: Maybe you’re in the ceiling!
…
OR
Dwight Schrute: If a Vampire Bat were loose in the United States, it would make sense for it to come to a -sylvania.
Phil I would have to say since you said Dwight is your favorite character…
quote: (which is one of my favorites)
Dwight: Dammit, he put my stapler in jello again!
Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Michael: Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Borever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time we were out adn we met this set of twins and Packer told them that we were brothers. And so ya know, one thing let to another and we brought them back to the hotel and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome.
hey phil!
Michael Scott: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. “Little Kid Lover”. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn’t.
[smiles]
Dwight Schrute: (to Angela) If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.
Dwight Schrute: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
This is tough for such a quotable show, I wonder if your favorite quote is even from dwight. I bet its from out of nowhere, like from Angela.
This contest has convinced me: this weekend, I’m renting the first season of The Office and running a marathon.
Btw, Phil, I can’t believe you’re giving that away!!! I would completely die if I could get it. Although dying would probably mean that I can’t enjoy it. 😛 Whoever wins it, I’m jealous.
Andy: Pamalamadingdong. Listen, you’re cute. There’s no getting around it. So, I don’t know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos, maybe even toss a disc around. Atwhay oday ouyay inkthay, Ampay?
Pam: Wow. I—
Andy: Shh! Think about it. I’ll hit you back.
Kelly: “Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball.”
Michael Scott: “That’s What She Said”
Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed…in you.
Ryan: I don’t think you know what you’re saying.
I really hope this is it lol
Dwight Schrute:
Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe….
Ryan started the FIRE!!!
Dwight Schrute: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now, check-out time is never.
Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry we’re all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight Schrute: I’ll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You’re not the manager, even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I’m the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight Schrute: But I haven’t told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars.
Andy Bernard: Oompa loompa, doompadee dawesome, Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy. No, he was not, he was a total douche. Doompadee doom.
Creed: In the sixties, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors. In the mud and the rain. And it’s possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.
Michael: “Yes, it is true…I, Michael Scott am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it and I am going to do it. I need a username and…I have a great one. ‘Little Kid Lover’. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.”
Michael Scott: And you my friend, would be da belle of da ball
Todd Packer: “What’s up my nerds?!”
From the Christmas episode in season 2.
Kevin talking about Pam being single:
If I weren’t married I’d so hit that.
it seems everyone here’s already hit up imdb for every dwight quote.. so i personally have no chance.. hahaha.. my answer is:
“Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut! ” LOL
Michael Scott: “You’re Fired! He just makes people sad and an office can’t function that way, You’re Fired no way. I think if I had a catch phrase it would be..You’re Hired! and you can work here as long as you want.”
The Bod Strikes.
Business Lunch at Hooters Mochael treats Jim.
Hi my name is Dana welcome to Hooters.
Michael Scott: We’re not worthy We’re not worthy. (Wayne’ World style)
Hello Dana My name is Michael….and this is….Jim and we
Michael Scott: I guess the atmosphere that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.
Phil you know you love this one
I’m kinda more inclined to the UK version so I just took a shot in the dark:
Dwight Schrute: So you’re PMS’ing pretty bad, huh?
Ryan Howard: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin, Mufasa, was trampled to death by a pack of wilderbeasts…and we all took it really hard. All of us in the audience.
Michael: In what audience?…Do you want to talk about it?
Ryan: Oh, no…it would probably take about an hour and a half to tell the whole story.
Here we go, hopefully this is it…
Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years… which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique; it’s like slapping someone with silence
Dwight Schrute: Michael always says “K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid.” Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.
Business Lunch at Hooters Michael treats Jim
Hi my name is Dana welcome to Hooters.
Michael: We’re not worthy We’re not worthy (Wayne’s World)
Hi my name is Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers.
Jim: No we’re not.
Micheal: I am his boss and I am taking him out to lunch because I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants.
Jim: I will have a ham and cheese sandwich
Micheal: Dana, how is you Chicken Breast?
Dana: Oh it’s great it’s served with our world famous wing sauce.
Michael: Sounds yummy I will have the Chicken Breast hold the chicken.
(nervous giggle Looks down feeling a little shy)
Dana: (dead pans) Is that what you really want?
Michael: No, I’ll have the Gourmet Hot Dog.
Dana: Great (walks away in disgust)
I read about halfway down and then couldn’t bother to read anymore… so if someone already said this one, sorry.
(Dwight) “There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying…
The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.”
Dwight Schrute: Number one: Inverted Penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Cause if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight Schrute: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Never saw the show…but maybe Ill get lucky with IMDB:
Michael Scott: Mint chocolate chip!
(sorry if anyone posted this!)
Todd Packer: “What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom?” (Thumbs to self) “This guy?”
Jim: “What has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer?” (thumbs to self) “This guy!”
Jim Halpert:Wow, what a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine, and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don’t get it.
I doubt that is your favorite, especially since my favorite quote was taken alone time ago
but if it is
Best of luck next year Phil, hopefully you will get 2 or 3 of those playoff wins next year
Dwight Schrute: [over the radio] Woah, here’s a guy, here’s a guy! It’s a security guard coming by. Hello! We’re warehouse workers. Would you like more proof? … Oh my God that was very close. I can see the security guard’s eyes!
Jim Halpert: No! No. Don’t do anything to them!
Dwight Schrute: I have to do something to his eyes.
“I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise, and I have worms.” -courtesy of Mikey Scott.
Dwight Schrute: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone’s psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections…there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory..
Dwight Schrute: Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, Television, North Korea, South Korea, Marylin Monroe! Ryan started the fire!
Dwight; Yankee swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas…
Michael: [holding up foot covered in bubble wrap/tape] What does this look like to you?
Stanley: Mailboxes, Etc.
From “The Injury”…classic episode. You have excellent taste in tv shows.
Dwight Schrute: I’m sorry! I grew up on a farm! We killed a pig whenever we wanted bacon! And when my grandfather died, we reburied him in an old oil drum! (pause) He would have fit if Michael had just given me another minute.
Thanks for the contest. Kevin
Michael Scott: What happens to a company if you take the boss away. I will answer your question with a question. It’s like what happens to a chicken, when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be, a chicken head.
This is one of my faves, from The Client:
Michael: Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome?
“Ain’t no party like a Scranton party, ‘cuz a Scranton party don’t stop.”
God…so many to choose from…how about:
Michael Scott: What do I put for ‘Reason for visit’?
Jim Halpert: Concussion.
[Michael crosses something off]
Jim Halpert: What did you write?
Michael Scott: Nothing… I wrote, ‘Bringing someone to the hospital.’
Oscar: I can play if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Dwight Schrute: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets… Christmas.
How about this one?
Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Michael: It’s a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.
lots have been taken…except for my favorite….
Andy: You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell/Hofstra, slaughter. Then quick nap at my place, and we hit the tis-own.
Michael: No, I don’t want to do any of that.
Andy: Duh, which is why I was joking about doing it.
Michael: Would you stop, stop, just stop doing it. You’re going to drive me crazy
Andy: Fine, I’ll just go sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
“Here’s my card. It’s got my cell number, my pager number, my home number and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick and I don’t celebrate any major holidays.”
-Dwight
“Poop is falling from the ceiling. Poop.” – Angela
Dwight Schrute: There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying…
The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.
Dwight Schrute: Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan’s been bitching out on him. Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
“Otherwise it’s just malfeasance for malfeasance’s sake.”
~ Dwight
Jim Halpert: Today is Thursday, and Dwight thinks it’s Friday, and that’s what I’ll be working on this afternoon.
Michael Scott: [at Hooters] Oh man you should order milk. Get it?
I got it Phil:
Jim Halpert: God, this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I’ve ever seen go to someone’s head.
email me to let me know where u can send the ball! :–)
Jim: Lord, beer me strength.
Just gimme that ball, PLEASE 😦
Dwight Schrute:
Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ‘ladies room’ for a reason. And if you can not behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.
Dwight: Let me describe the perfect date: I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her… now he wants to fight – so I grab him – I throw him into the jukebox! Then the other ninja’s got a knife, he comes at me, we grapple, I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She’s scared now. I take her home. I’m holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss… I hear something in the leaves, I flip her around, she gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time… but I knew.”
Creed: The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what’s all the fuss.
Phranchise I know this probably isn’t it, but everyone has been going with Jim, Dwight and Michael on here so I’ll take a shot in the dark here and throw some love at my man Stanley:
Dwight: What is the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as Leprechauns to Unicorns.
65’s all day
Michael Scott: What’s my favorite thing about Hooters? I’ll give you two: boobs and hot wings!
Pam: “I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn’t like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn’t smack her.”
Let’s go YANKS
Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don’t have a butler I have to do it myself… so, most nights before I go to bed I will lay out 6 strips of bacon out on my foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped on to the grill and it clamped on to my foot. That’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.
not a quote but when the black guy puts the label on his forehead that he can’t see that says ‘Black’.
This is one of my all time faves:
Dwight Schrute: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Uh, you’re thinking of a superhero.
Ryan Howard: [reads Todd Packer’s ‘WLHUNG’ license plate] You a big William Hung fan?
Todd Packer: Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?!
“There are too many people in this world; we need a new plague” – Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute: Will Ryan become a loser, slacker like Jim or will he join the Dwight Army of Champions?
Michael: I want you to think about your future at this company, I want you to think about it long and hard
Dwight: Thats what she said
Michael: Dont you dare
I havent seen that many episodes of the office, but i’d love to have that ball so i’ll take a guess anyway:
“Dwight Schrute: It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for 13 of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.”
Todd Packer: Where’s Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude’s thong?…probably.
Hilarious.
“beets, bears, battlestar galactica”
BTW, best…contest…ever
From “The Fight”
After Kelly practices a move Dwight says, “Good, now let me take you from behind.”
Kelly – “WHAT?!?!?”
Michael Scott: Let’s gangbang this thing and go home. Good?
Dwight Schrute: Ok. Cindy. Yo! Cindy, Cindy! Hold its neck back, insert the knife beneath the jaw, bring it all the way around. There’s gonna be a good amount of blood. But don’t let that bother you. Have a bucket there. For the blood, and the innards and the feathers.
Dwight: (warning Michael about a dead bird) Michael, get him away from your head. He’s covered with germs and bacteria.
Michael: Are you kidding me?! You can’t catch diseases from a bird.
Dwight Schrute: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
Dwight : Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Jan’s lawyer: Can you be more specific. Who are the twins?
Michael Scott: Um, to be delicate, they hang off milady’s chest. They make milk.
Creed: Hey bro, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Is there anyway we can get red bull in these things? Sometimes a guys got to ride the bull. Am I right? Later skater.
Love the blog so far Phil.
I already love this blog, Phil.
Dwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don’t care – they’re your oats.
Dwight: Who put my stapler in the jello?
By the way, I love the blog, Phil. I’m SO happy the Yanks didn’t make the horrible mistake of trading you for Santana. I have full confidence in your ability to become the ace that the Yanks need. Your playoff performance was very impressive, indeed.
Dwight: I’ve been recommending downsizing since I got here. I even brought it up in my interview.
I’d love the ball but I would really like Shrute bucks. 🙂
Creed: I like my women au natural, baby. Swing low, sweet chariot.
Dwight: It has to be official, and it HAS to be urine!
“That’s what she said”
Pam: Did I wake up this morning thinking I’d be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into.
Jim: Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher…that would make this my career. And if this were my career, I would have to throw myself in front of a train.
I’m just about out of lines and I went through some of the DVDs last night. But that was fun so I don’t hold it against you Phil.
This is a great blog!!
Dinkin’ Flicka
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dinkin+flicka
Michael – “I’m not superstitious… I’m just a little stitious”
“You look exotic. Was your dad a G.I.?”
– Michael to Karen
(at least that’s MY favorite line. i’ll gladly mail Phil my personally autographed white baseball glove from when i was in Little League in Jersey in the 80’s and never got on base…. 😉 )
So many to choose from, but here’s one that makes me LOL every time:
Michael: My point is, a penis, when seen, in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman, but in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
From Women’s Appreciation Day
Darryl: Are you wearin’ lady clothes? Those look like lady… pants.
Michael: No, this is a power suit.
Darryl: That there’s a woman’s suit.
Michael Scott: She’s totally flat. Shrunken chesticles.
Dwight Schrute: I saw Wedding Crashers, accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour I figured I was in the wrong theatre but I kept waiting. That’s the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
“Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three!”
Dwight Schrute: And how big do you want this robot?
Michael Scott: Lifesize.
Dwight Schrute: Mmm no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.
even if it was a one night stand??
Thanks for the blog Phil makes all us out of town Yankees feel special! We want you to stay a Yankee for YEARS to come!!
Michael Scott: “New York, New York. The city so nice, they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.”
this is actually a really hard contest…there are so many great one liners
Andy: I try to think like a carpenter….who builds stairs…always one step ahead
and by the way if you have free time try to get into 30 rock…its a great show
Michael: A real man makes his own luck, billy zane, titanic.
In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, “Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me and I’m dead.” Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion, you’re dead.
Dwight Schrute: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
DWIGHT: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than I ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
Jim: It’s a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael’s a bold guy. Is bold the right word?
“Of all the things I do, the Finer Things Club is probably the gayest thing I’ve ever done. Besides having sex with men.” – Oscar
“Hey Karen, wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse”?
Dwight: Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we’ve been at war … the war of work. But from the moment, as a child, and we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle, a never-ending fight, I say to you. And you will understand that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors! Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you, once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! Maniacal laughter Yes! Yes!
Later…
No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself! Some people will tell you “salesman” is a bad word. They’ll conjure up images of used car dealers and door-to-door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesmen … and women … of the world, unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together, together, that we prevail! We must never cede control of the motherland for it is…
Jim: Is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael: What’s up dog?
Jim: Nothin much, what’s up with you?
“A Chistmas gift is like saying that I like you this amount of money.”
Good luck this year man!
Dwight: For three years I’ve kept mase under my desk and for three years people have laughed at me…..Who’s laughing now?
Jim: “Who has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy.”
well michael, I underestimated you….well maybe next time you’ll estimate me.
Phil, you are close to achieving super hero status with this blog. You should consider wearing a cape on occasion.
This has got to be it:
A quote from Michael, “That’s what she said!”
It’s in like every episode.
Buy the way Phil i was rooting for them to keep you all winter long!
Creed: I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the 60’s I made love to many, many women – often outdoors, in the mud and the rain…and it’s possible a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing.
[Michael attempts to assemble a basketball team and Oscar, of Mexican descent, approaches]
Oscar: I can play, if you need any help.
Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we ever decide to box.
Eh, why not.
Dwight Schrute: Everyone. OK, I have an announcement. Apparently in business school they don’t teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on “oven” instead of timing it for the toaster thing. [holds up burnt pita and laughs maniacally]
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica!
I doubt this is it, but it always makes me laugh…
Michael: That’s what she said…
Dwight: So you’re PMSing pretty bad huh?
Michael: This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here.
It has to be the “She ain’t your ho, no mo” speech
That whole episode was classic.
Or the James Blunt Michael Scott ” I don’t want to buy it, I just want a little taste”
Best show on TV. Starting watching 30 Rock though recently too. That is also a classic
By the way Phil, great season, can’t wait for this year, glad to see that they have come to their senses and are keeping you around. Santana is great, let’s get him as a free agent next year and pair him up with you, Joba, Ian and Wang for years to come. Andy of course can stick around if he chooses, I guess he deserves that much *lol*
Kevin: I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament at the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So, yeah… I’m pretty good at poker.
And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.
Andy: Whoa! What the— Why is my girlfriend here?
Jim: Oh, is she that teacher in the white?
Andy: No, she’s a part-time frozen yogurt chef.
Jim: Which one… is she?
Andy: The one in the green hoodie.
Jim: Wow.
Andy: I wonder if she’s, like, a… a guidance counselor, or something?
Jim: No, I don’t think so.
Andy: She’s like, probably a tutor.
Jim: Nope.
Andy: She probably a t–
Jim: No.
Andy: Sh—
Jim: No.
Micheal – ‘Hug it out, bitch.’ That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out, and in doing so they just let it go, and walk away, and they’re done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I have found. It doesn’t translate.
Good luck with finding a winner
Here is my guess:
Michael Scott: He leaves work, he’s on his way home. WHAM, his cappa is detated from his head.
Hey Phil, I’m a HUGE Office fan myself, so I know there are a TON of great Office quotes, but I’m gonna go with a classic Michael quote from Diversity Day in Season 1:
Michael (To Toby): This is an environment of welcoming, so why don’t you get the hell out of here.
Michael Scott: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she’s cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.
What’s your dentist’s name?”
…….
…….
…….
“…Krentist”
“Your dentist’s name is Krentist? Sounds a lot like Dentist”
“Maybe that’s why he became a dentist”
Dwight walks into the hallway where pam is crying takes off his coat ties it around his waist and says “So you’re PMS’ing real bad huh”
Come on phil that was a hilarious scene. I am glad that the johan trade didn’t go through I really like how you pitch. I have loved the yankees since I was 5, i am now 24 so thats a long time. I really want to make it to a game this year so I will see you there.
Dwight: “At one point in your life… have you ever… pooped… a balloon?”
Tuna!
How about this one? Kinda cool.
I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.
Dwight (reading forms): Uh, leprosy? Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot dog fingers. Government-created killer nano robot infection. You did this, didn’t you.
Jim: Absolutely not.
Jim: Killer nano robots?
Pam: It’s an epidemic.
Dwight: Count Choculitis?
Jim: Whew, sounds tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
“I think if I was allergic to dairy I’d kill myself”
Angela: You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only.
Michael Scott: No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. That is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guys’ night out. A ‘G-N-O’ if you will. A ‘gno.’ Actually it’s more of a guys’ afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not– not… it’s uh, not gay. It’s, uh, just uh, it’s a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys.
Kevin: If someone gives you ten thousand to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an oscar, I’m going to be a very rich dude.
Michael Scott: …NERD. THAT’s why you’re not on the team.
Angela: What is that?
Dwight: It’s a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I’m giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.
Angela: Her name was Sprinkles…
Dwight: And his name is Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage.
Can’t wait for the season to start. Best of luck Phil!
Oops, my last was a repeat.
Michael-Scott: If I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania and die, you can have my job, okay?
(Triple-A affiliate)?
When I was in the 6th grade I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word “failure”.
Michael Scott: This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.
Jim Halpert: [to camera] That actually took a while. I had to put- uh, more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight, and then I just took them all out.
Michael: With win-win-win, we all win. Me too.
Michael Scott: Starbucks. Oh man, that place is like the promised land!
“The Secret”
Michael: “Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings”
Dwight Schrute: It’s me! I’m the bobblehead! Yes!
A girl in my class is now running her own website auction company and happily married to a marine biologist. She used to eat chalk
Dwight: When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles aren’t made for adults
Kelly: There’s no way it’s fine. I’m sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that’s a lot of good ideas. Thanks
How about when Dwight said “Lex Luther said it best when he said, ‘Dad, you have no idea what I’m capable of.'”
“I have booked a trip for us to the Bahamas.”
“She dumped me”
“Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So I don’t really know what to expect.”
Here is my guess,
Michael Scott: Today is Spring cleaning day here at Dundler Mifflin, and yes I know it’s January, I’m not an idiot, but if you do your Spring cleaning in January guess what you don’t have to do in the Spring… anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind, well I say an empty desk means an…
Dwight Schrute: Empty mind.
Michael Scott: Well, no… that’s not what I was going to say.
Phil, I must say, The Office is one of my all time favorite shows too. Ive been going crazy trying to figure out what your favorite quote could be. Especially since I use Office quotes in my email signature to people.
Let me give this a shot….It HAS to be a MIchael Scott quote….
“The company has made it my responsibilty today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays”
Dwight Schrute: Bears do not…what is going on? What are you doing? Well, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so I thank you.
(Jim pulls a bobblehead on his desk)
Dwight Schrute: Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Thousands of families suffer every year!
Dwight Schrute: “As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do, is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we’re keeping Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.”
Of course my favorite will always be “The eyes are the groin of the head.”
Classic.
Dwight Schrute: No not me. Not Dwight. Tell him NOT DWIGHT. TELL HIM TO STOP. QUIET YOU! MAKE HIM BE QUIET!
Michael Scott: This is an orientation, not a bore-ientation.
Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.
Dwight Schrute: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone’s psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections…there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory
Great contest, and awesome prize. Thanks for having it!
Marc
Jim Halpert: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight Schrute: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.
Dwight: (crying) Jim is gone. He’s gone! I miss him soooo much! Oh, I cry myself to sleep, Jim! (serious) False. I do not miss him.
Unfortunately ….I cannot participate in this contest
I do not know everything about Dwight
But I still enjoy it is at the here one feeling, it can see everybody last some about Dwight interesting take.
Congratulate giambino0522 on getting a very excellent prize to return
Thanks for holding the contest.
In here “goyankz”
I am overseas fan
Your friendliness is a present too
thanks!
Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, ‘yo that’s shizzle’. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well shame on you.
-ericbsu16
Ain’t no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don’t stop.
Dwight: And how did you get my resume?…I just don’t know if that’s my official resume or something that a satisfied customer may have posted…What does it say under Martial Arts training?
hey peter, its me again, were actually working a full day today, its not a
half day or anything
“hey peter, its me again, were actually working a full day today, its not a
half day or anything”
-Pete